I don't have time to look at the rest of what happened. I'm a little ashamed of it. I felt like I had something to contribute to here because of the fact that i wasn't even able to get back up. I was in a completely different level of depression and shit. I had just received the A from the LARP and I thought I could let go of it. I am ashamed of my actions. I think it's really shameful to be in this state and to be like you're making me look bad by fucking up and ruining every single thing I'm done for a good cause anyway. It's all just plain sad that I can feel like that. I want to be able to say no to this, to be able to talk to my husband and be with him and I want to be safe from this horrible state. I want to be able to talk to my friends as much as I did when I was young. I want all of this to live up to the expectations i set out on this blog, and not fall flat.