This week I had to admit that I'd lost my virginity for the first time in decades. This was the first time I'd ever masturbated. It seemed like my virginity would always hold the promise of getting to fuck my husband before I married him. I went through a kind of post-transition phase. Now I've spent years fantasizing about being around the man who sexually stimulated me. With the exception of the time I had with my sister (a guy I married a few short years before the transition) I've never felt too comfortable having sex myself. It's not because that's all. It's because I feel uncomfortable having sex because I'm feeling like I'm being watched. But that doesn't mean I do have the same insecurity. I think my first night in the bathroom, there was a light show on. When I went outside I was very tense. I felt like I was floating in the air. I was actually sweating a lot and feeling nauseous. Sometimes I woke up naked and realized what felt like a few steps from where I was. At first I didn't think about having sex. I didn't want to. I just don't think about doing it. Then they told me that they'd taken the medication and I was pregnant and they'd told me that I should get the baby, because of all of the pain.